I entered the second year of grieving with a goal set toward transformation. My life as I knew it was no more. So who was I now? Who could I become? Who did I dare to be?
In the physical arena, I had some minor oral surgery to prepare me for braces. Yes, I was tinsel-toothed for the next 18 months. I bought a year-long membership at the Y, started working out, and hired a personal trainer. Then I changed my hair color, from brunette to blonde.
Professionally, I threw myself into my involvement with Soroptimist of Joplin, and expanded my business network by attending more Chamber of Commerce events. I was privileged to participate in the Leadership Joplin program. I did what writing I could handle, but nothing personal. And I started a new business.
Spiritually, I continued to attend weekly prayer meetings, and focused on daily prayer. I attended women's prayer retreats and met fantastic godly women whose encouragement was so needed, and so appreciated.
Mentally, things were still foggy. I relied on lists -- lots of lists -- to get through what had to be done, whether daily, weekly, sometimes even hourly. With a list to remind me of what to do and where to go, I could accomplish the necessary tasks. I knew there was an end to this somewhere, someday, but I was unable to see it.
From the beginning of year two through the middle of the third year, I muddled through the days, I sought healing and did what I could on my part to be transformed. I allowed myself to be led by the only one who truly knew what was going on -- God.
I waited. I grew. And in God's timing and His plan, I continued to heal. However, there were still lessons to be learned.
I love you just as the Father loves me; remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyeed my Father's comands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. John 15: 9-11
As I neared the fourth year of this wilderness, sensing that surely I was on my way back to life, I panicked.
The life insurance money had run out, and finances were strained. My son had a crisis of his own come upon us. The weight I had fought so long and hard to shed myself of, started coming back. There was no buyer for the house, even after 18 months and several price adjustments.
But my faith held firm, and I chose to no longer merely survive, but to be victorious!
Jesus answered them, "Have faith in God. I assure you that whoever tells this hill to get up and throw itself in the sea and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. For this reason I tell you: When you pray and ask for something, believe that you have received it, and you will be given whatever you ask for. And when you stand and pray, forgive anything you may have against anyone, so that your Father in heaven will forgive the wrongs you have done." Mark 11: 22-26
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