Day 32 - Not Exactly as Planned

Saturday, April 9, 2011

It was a quiet Saturday, spent resting some, cleaning some more, and catching up a bit on my writing. I started with bacon and peach slices for breakfast, with a hamburger patty, grilled red onions, and green beans for lunch.

I tried to make the closest thing I could to a taco salad for dinner -- greens, ground beef, red onions, celery, avocado, salt and pepper, oil and vinegar. I cooked the onions and celery with the hamburger, which helped, but it was still a far cry from my intentions. But soon -- in just a week -- I can start adding foods back into my diet. One of these days I'll have that taco salad. Just not at this time.

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. Psalm 20: 4

I also spent some time reflecting and praying about the things -- whatever they are -- that I've been holding inside. The hurts. The disappointments. The reactions and emotions. The numbness. Especially the numbness.

And I realized that it's not just these things I've been holding inside. There are other things to release, to let go of. To be freed of.

My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare. Psalm 25: 15

And so I organized a parade. I brought out as many aspects of myself that had been damaged in some way throughout the years past, and stood them, lifted them, one by one, before God for his merciful healing.

The frightened child who feared abandonment. The once gregarious little girl who fell silent for a year's time. The shy one, the misunderstood one, the overlooked and ignored one. The insulted, rejected and lonely one.

All me, at one age, one time or another. All waiting to be healed. All waiting to be forgiven. All waiting -- as a breath too long held -- to be released.

The goat will carry on itself all their sins to a solitary place; and the man shall release it in the desert. Leviticus 16: 22